MY STORY
Hello! My name is Tom Smalley and I am on a mission to combine my work, as a human performance coach and mental health advocate, to break down the stigma of mental illness in athletics and provide hope to those that are struggling. Continue reading to learn more about my story and battle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
My Journey With Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
*Trigger Warning: My story briefly mentions material that may cause distress to the reader. If you are in need of help call 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, or click here to view a list of mental health resources.
The Diagnosis
My battle with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) became debilitating at age 15; Everything I did had to be done until it felt “just right” and my compulsions would last up to 12-14 hours a day. At the time, I had no label for the excruciating feelings that plagued me. It took roughly 8 months for me to sit down with my parents and discuss the importance for me to seek out professional help. My parents worked extremely hard to find somebody who specialized in OCD. I had visited two therapists before I met the right one, and received a definitive diagnosis.
*The Treatment
At the time, I was in my sophomore year of high school. I had to fight to get out of bed every morning and many days I questioned if it was worth it. I had never felt more hopeless in my life. Even as I began treatment, I battled suicidal ideation and was still searching for my will to live. The specific form of treatment for OCD is known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, and it was no easy task, but it gave me hope that I was taking a step in the right direction.
ERP treatment meant purposefully triggering my intrusive thoughts and subsequent anxiety. It was extremely difficult for me endure in the beginning. My elevated anxiety levels made my OCD worse however, slowly but surely, it got better. The combination of ERP and medication helped me begin coping with my OCD.
During treatment, sacrifices had to be made. I had to give up the sports I loved and grappled with feeling like a burden to my family while they supported me through my OCD journey. There was nothing I could do to repay them for all the time and effort they had given me, but I was determined to try. The support of my family and my faith in God continued to motivate me.
“My dreams and aspirations became motivators to keep fighting.”
When clinicians and other professionals told me that going away to college and pursuing my ambitions was not an option, I took it as a challenge. I worked tirelessly with my therapist to learn ways to cope with my OCD. She instilled a belief in myself that I could pursue my goals and overcome my doubts.
I Became a Voice
A year after my diagnosis, at the age of 16, I had the honor of sharing my story and bring hope to others through an awareness event at Yale University. Shortly after, I began speaking at the amazing IOCDF conferences, various schools, organizations, and podcasts. For some time, I felt sorry for myself that I had to deal with OCD daily. When I became an advocate for OCD and reducing the stigma surrounding mental health, I changed my way of thinking from “Why me?” to “Why not me?” I felt empowered knowing that even if it was one person at a time, I was educating people about mental health and OCD. I realized I was put into this position for a reason.
Q&A’s That Can Help You on Your Journey:
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Yes, during my second year of college I relapsed to the point of nearly being back to where I started. It was a discouraging feeling. I was battling OCD, while also facing the negative stigma around mental illness.
Unfortunately, when I spoke more about my struggles, I noticed I didn’t always receive the best feedback. As a result, I learned to grow thick skin. I was called names, bullied, and shamed for my struggles with mental illness by many people, including those who I thought I could trust.
While I was dealing with that negative feedback, I found one of my greatest mentors: strength and conditioning coach Ian Farrell. Ian took me under his wing and having him as a mentor throughout the dark days of my relapse helped me to stay motivated and focused on practicing ERP.
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Life with OCD is never easy, but through treatment, I have learned it is worth it. While some days are more challenging than others, but each day is an opportunity to turn struggle into strength.
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In 2019 I was honored to win the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) Hero Award. This award recognizes individuals who go above and beyond in their efforts to advocate and raise awareness for OCD and related disorders.
It has been an unbelievable journey from the time I was diagnosed at age 15 to the moment I walked across the stage and being recognized for my advocacy efforts. Truth is, I still don’t feel like a hero accepting such an honor. The OCD community means so much to me and without the IOCDF I wouldn’t be here today. I owe everything to the amazing support I’ve had around me.
That being said, it is a great feeling to look back and think about how much I’ve overcome to get to this point. I want to be an example to people struggling that keeping the faith and determination to improve can bring you up from rock bottom. That doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t have bad days. I still struggle today. But this journey has shown me how to manage.
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If you are struggling with OCD, know that you are not alone. Do not give up. Keep battling. Keep educating others about OCD. Together as a community we will break the stigma of mental illness and continue to overcome the challenges of OCD.
God gives his most challenging battles to his toughest soldiers. I’ve seen rock bottom. I’ve been at the point of not wanting to live. It gets better. It takes hard work and courage, but treatment can help you take back control of the life you want to live. Use your resources, such as the IOCDF and all of the amazing public advocates. People want to help you succeed, so make sure to never feel ashamed or broken. Understand you are a part of a strong, family-like community.